Bartolo Colon

You have to feel good about the Sox chances when Barrrrrtolo is in the rotation. And with the deal containing little guaranteed money, what a barrrrgain.

Julian Tavarez

Easily the ugliest player on the Sox, Julian is also a noted martial arts expert and, according to Tuti, quite the lady's man. Joey Gathright may be able to jump over a parked car, but he struggled to absorb our boy Julian's potent fist.

Uncle Mike

Mike Lowell's resume is already impressive: 4x All Star, 2x World Series champion, 1x World Series MVP, the best all-time fielding percentage for third baseman. But now he has something even more prestigious to add to his trophy case - the Golden Paddle. When reached for comment Lowell had this to say,

"Bring on Shennett!"

Jacoby Ellsbury

As baseball season nears it seems appropriate to honor some of our favorite up & coming players. Today, Jacoby Ellsbury. Yeah I'm a founding member of the facebook group

Future Mrs. Jacoby Ellsbury Fan Club...deal with it.

Theo Epstein

Women love him and men want to be him. He's won two World Series while G.M. of the Red Sox, plays a mean guitar, and has a grandfather who co-wrote Casablanca. Plus, anyone who can get his sexual orientation questioned by Shea Hillenbrand is a true hero.

Dice K

In honor of pitchers and catchers reporting, it's time we tipped our cap to you, Dice K. The pitcher with the cutest smile and chubbiest cheeks in baseball is even more well equipped to deal with AL hitters this year: in addition to his four seamer, two seamer, slider, and change, he's added a mullet.